Help My Wife Doesn’t Turn Me On Any More
By Duncan Nalos
I often hear guys complain that their wife just doesn’t turn them on any more. If they would just loose a little weight or become younger, (both may seem equally difficult) things would be better.
Many women out there are sick and tired of competing with “cyber women” or cultural icons of beauty that seem completely unattainable. They are frustrated about spending time and money in an attempt to look like somebody else and some just give up because no matter how hard they try it doesn’t seem to be good enough.
We certainly live in a crazy culture, and we are making ourselves crazy, because we don’t understand how sexual attraction was designed by God to work.
Sexual attraction was designed to be expressed in the context of the safety and security of a marriage commitment. In North American culture sexual attraction is completely outside of this safe context, it’s tugging at us from every conceivable direction and is almost impossible to ignore. This aspect of sexual saturation in our culture has cooked our brains to the point that we have cultural norms about sexuality that are worlds away from God’s original design, but that’s a different subject. What I would like us to look at is how God has designed sexual attraction to work.
A man will bond sexually with whatever he is looking at when he has a sexual release. For example there was a boy who when ever he masturbated in his bedroom upstairs, his bed made noises and people downstairs knew what was going on, and teased him. He was so embarrassed that he decided to go way out into the corn field where no one would see him, and masturbate there. When he had his sexual release he was looking at his boots. From then on he developed a fetish and wasn’t able to have a sexual release with out his boots on. He had unknowingly conditioned himself to needing boots on in order to have as sexual release. A man will bond with whatever he is looking at or thinking about when he has a sexual release. Now lets take this example and apply it in the context of “cyber woman”. Lets suppose that males in our culture have been looking at “cyber woman” or thinking about her when having a sexual release. What is taking place here is that the bonding that God designed to occur between a a husband and a wife in the safety and security of a committed relationship is now happening with “cyber woman”. Now in order for him to feel aroused he needs “cyber woman”. So he complains that his wife needs to loose weight etc. in order to be more attractive.
The good news is that because a man will bond sexually with whatever he is looking at when he has a sexual release, he can recondition himself. A husband, for example, can keep his eyes open and look at his wife during times of sexual intimacy and release and over time that beautiful God intended bonding will occur regardless of what size or shape she may be.
Having said all of this I would like to affirm that good sex doesn’t start in the bedroom, just like making a cake doesn't start with the icing. The recipe for good sex starts with loving your partner in all kinds of different ways such as acts of service, spending quality time together, and sharing words of affirmation, with love expressed through sexual touch as the icing on the cake. I hope that this gives you hope in your journey to wholeness.
Return to Resources Page
Many women out there are sick and tired of competing with “cyber women” or cultural icons of beauty that seem completely unattainable. They are frustrated about spending time and money in an attempt to look like somebody else and some just give up because no matter how hard they try it doesn’t seem to be good enough.
We certainly live in a crazy culture, and we are making ourselves crazy, because we don’t understand how sexual attraction was designed by God to work.
Sexual attraction was designed to be expressed in the context of the safety and security of a marriage commitment. In North American culture sexual attraction is completely outside of this safe context, it’s tugging at us from every conceivable direction and is almost impossible to ignore. This aspect of sexual saturation in our culture has cooked our brains to the point that we have cultural norms about sexuality that are worlds away from God’s original design, but that’s a different subject. What I would like us to look at is how God has designed sexual attraction to work.
A man will bond sexually with whatever he is looking at when he has a sexual release. For example there was a boy who when ever he masturbated in his bedroom upstairs, his bed made noises and people downstairs knew what was going on, and teased him. He was so embarrassed that he decided to go way out into the corn field where no one would see him, and masturbate there. When he had his sexual release he was looking at his boots. From then on he developed a fetish and wasn’t able to have a sexual release with out his boots on. He had unknowingly conditioned himself to needing boots on in order to have as sexual release. A man will bond with whatever he is looking at or thinking about when he has a sexual release. Now lets take this example and apply it in the context of “cyber woman”. Lets suppose that males in our culture have been looking at “cyber woman” or thinking about her when having a sexual release. What is taking place here is that the bonding that God designed to occur between a a husband and a wife in the safety and security of a committed relationship is now happening with “cyber woman”. Now in order for him to feel aroused he needs “cyber woman”. So he complains that his wife needs to loose weight etc. in order to be more attractive.
The good news is that because a man will bond sexually with whatever he is looking at when he has a sexual release, he can recondition himself. A husband, for example, can keep his eyes open and look at his wife during times of sexual intimacy and release and over time that beautiful God intended bonding will occur regardless of what size or shape she may be.
Having said all of this I would like to affirm that good sex doesn’t start in the bedroom, just like making a cake doesn't start with the icing. The recipe for good sex starts with loving your partner in all kinds of different ways such as acts of service, spending quality time together, and sharing words of affirmation, with love expressed through sexual touch as the icing on the cake. I hope that this gives you hope in your journey to wholeness.
Return to Resources Page
