I've never been in counselling what is it like?
Counselling is not about the counsellor giving you advice or fixing you. It's about you using the resources and input of a counsellor to work through issues in your life. If you have been experiencing set backs or noticing painful patterns in your life that leave you feeling angry or depressed then counselling can be beneficial. It takes two things to bring about change in your life, pain and insight. Counselling takes courage. It's about facing the issues in your life that you would rather run from, and working through them. It's about you doing something for you. Now there is a concept! In couple counselling the focus isn't necessarily on a conflict or an issue that you have to work through, it can also be about exploring various ways you experience love, such as learning your partners love language. Some couples think of their session as a special time for them just to work on improving their relationship.
What kinds of issues do we look at in marriage counselling?
We work at establishing healthy communication guidelines. We learn how to actively listen to and acknowledge our partner. We practice listening and opening up to each other. We get to talk about the things that are most important to us, and be heard! We explore various styles of conflict resolution, and look at which style you and your partner most commonly use. We learn how to make conflict safe and productive.
If there is a particular issue that triggers you or your partner, we may take a closer look into what that’s about, especially if it is having an impact in your relationship. This kind of work can go a long way to bring about shared understanding, reduce stress and anxiety, and bring about a new way of being together as a couple.
If there is a particular issue that triggers you or your partner, we may take a closer look into what that’s about, especially if it is having an impact in your relationship. This kind of work can go a long way to bring about shared understanding, reduce stress and anxiety, and bring about a new way of being together as a couple.
What if one of us has had an affair?
There are a number of reasons why affairs occur, and it’s important that both of you take responsibility for what happened. If the perception is that there is an innocent person and a guilty person and that the guilty person has to make it up to the innocent person, then no matter how hard they try it will never be good enough. This scenario is a recipe for counselling to fail. If however both of you are willing to take responsibility for what happened, there is always hope.
One of the main issues is the process of rebuilding trust, which involves making promises and keeping promises. Sometimes the crisis of nearly loosing the marriage can result in couples becoming passionate about never ever taking their relationship for granted again. When that attitude prevails, the relationship can become stronger than ever before.
Do we have to talk about the past, can’t my partner just forgive me and get over it?
They may decide to forgive you, but what will make the difference in their heart attitude is when they see that you really are learning to love and respect them, over a period of time. If the changes are lasting, that’s when trust begins to be restored, and that’s when you can move on. It may take some time depending on how deeply your partner was hurt.
I feel like a doormat in my relationship, and I doubt that my partner will go for counselling. What can I do?
If you are in a relationship where you are feeling used and taken advantage of, you will likely be experiencing a fair amount of anger and resentment. You may find that you are not able to hold your feelings inside, and when they come out in an explosive way you end up getting blamed and feeling put down. If that describes you, there is hope. Through counselling you can learn how not to be a doormat. You can learn how to have healthy boundaries. You can learn to express your thoughts and feelings in a positive and healthy way. Leaning to be assertive can free you from the extremes of either holding it all in and trying to be nice, or exploding all over the walls. You can’t change your partner, but as you change they will have to learn to relate to you as a healthy person, and that will bring about positive change. When both of you learn to be assertive in a healthy way every body wins. If there is physical or emotional abuse in the relationship you may need support in deciding if you should stay in the relationship. If you are feeling a lot of pain, you don’t need to go through this alone.
How many sessions should I expect before I see improvement?
The decision to seek counselling and to work on your relationship is a huge step, and one that can result in a shift in the right direction. When you work on a relationship it will begin to flourish. It’s like a vegetable garden, if you weed, water, cultivate and prune it, it will start to look fabulous. If you leave it on auto pilot to do its own thing it won’t look so good. Good marriages don’t just happen, they take work. The hope that is generated from your decision to work on the marriage can energize you and get you off to a great start. If you are saying, Duncan you have no idea how miserable we are and it’s been this way for a long time. It would take a miracle to get us back on track. Miracles can happen when people ask for them!
Counsellors some times say it will likely get worse before it gets better, but this isn't necessarily so. However, this may be true if you have been avoiding dealing with a painful issue in your life that you need to talk about or grieve through.
Couples who fight in unhealthy ways can get stuck in a negative cycle for a prolonged time, and that can lead to feelings of hopelessness. When you learn how to shift into a positive cycle, things can begin to feel a whole lot better. The key is to learn how to stay in that positive cycle, and to learn how to make conflict safe. You can do it!
It may take six to eight sessions before you are out of the woods. My recommend is that you give it a try. You’ll soon know if counselling is working for you.
Call today for a *free* 10-minute phone consultation. You can reach me at 604-850-0250
Counsellors some times say it will likely get worse before it gets better, but this isn't necessarily so. However, this may be true if you have been avoiding dealing with a painful issue in your life that you need to talk about or grieve through.
Couples who fight in unhealthy ways can get stuck in a negative cycle for a prolonged time, and that can lead to feelings of hopelessness. When you learn how to shift into a positive cycle, things can begin to feel a whole lot better. The key is to learn how to stay in that positive cycle, and to learn how to make conflict safe. You can do it!
It may take six to eight sessions before you are out of the woods. My recommend is that you give it a try. You’ll soon know if counselling is working for you.
Call today for a *free* 10-minute phone consultation. You can reach me at 604-850-0250