Can I Trust My Partner?
By Duncan Nalos
My Uncle David was a lawyer and he had a picture of a leopard in his office that looked like it was ready to pounce. Underneath was the inscription "Trust Me". He actually was a man of integrity and was trustworthy in every way. Trust is a core issue when it comes to relationships. Without trust relationships die. It seems that we are born with a measure of innocence and trust that comes with being a child. Over time that childlike trust gets eroded by the hurts and disappointments of life, and we become less trusting and a bit more discerning. If as kids we were let down by someone we trusted it's quite likely that we will learn to be less trusting of others. If there was abuse then the outcome could be an unwillingness to trust anybody.
In marital therapy couples often bring up trust as an issue in their relationship. The experience of being hurt causes people to pull back and refrain from putting themselves at risk, they feel insecure in the relationship, and have a problem trusting. They may be prone to ask all kinds of questions to do with where their partner was or what they said, and the person being questioned or investigated feels offended and resentful. If this scenario continues over time the relationship will be damaged. People who have trust issues from the past have learned to have their radar out, and this vigilance in checking up on their partner can kill the relationship. It's best to set a time in advance for questions of trust, and limit these questions to once a week.
How can trust be restored in a relationship? It starts with having a look at the foundation of the relationship. How did it begin? If it started as an affair then trust will likely be a problem from the start. If there has been a history of lying and cheating the likelihood of a reoccurrence of the same will be higher.
People sometimes learn to lie to get out of trouble, and they get good at it, but the net affect over the long run isn't good. The truth eventually surfaces. Some people are what I would call spin masters. They can present the facts in a completely misleading way. The most skillful spin masters build their case on the truth, and can even convince themselves of their innocence. Unfortunately these people cannot be trusted. Our prisons are full of so called "innocent" people.
A new foundation of trust can be established when people are genuinely willing to be honest and open with each other. The strength of the foundation has to do with just how honest and open people are willing to be. Being mostly honest may not be enough. However when it comes to disclosing an affair, you may want to refrain from sharing explicit details which might be more destructive than helpful. Taking responsibility for where you have gone wrong, and asking for forgiveness can clear the air and give an opportunity for a new start.
Think of your self as having a trust account. Every time you make a promise and keep it, that's a deposit in your account. If you end up breaking a promise that's a withdrawal. If you keep on making promises and keeping promises you will eventually get out of debt. At some point trust will begin to be restored. These promises could be little ones like coming home on time, or calling if you are going to be late. I hope you find these tips helpful.
In marital therapy couples often bring up trust as an issue in their relationship. The experience of being hurt causes people to pull back and refrain from putting themselves at risk, they feel insecure in the relationship, and have a problem trusting. They may be prone to ask all kinds of questions to do with where their partner was or what they said, and the person being questioned or investigated feels offended and resentful. If this scenario continues over time the relationship will be damaged. People who have trust issues from the past have learned to have their radar out, and this vigilance in checking up on their partner can kill the relationship. It's best to set a time in advance for questions of trust, and limit these questions to once a week.
How can trust be restored in a relationship? It starts with having a look at the foundation of the relationship. How did it begin? If it started as an affair then trust will likely be a problem from the start. If there has been a history of lying and cheating the likelihood of a reoccurrence of the same will be higher.
People sometimes learn to lie to get out of trouble, and they get good at it, but the net affect over the long run isn't good. The truth eventually surfaces. Some people are what I would call spin masters. They can present the facts in a completely misleading way. The most skillful spin masters build their case on the truth, and can even convince themselves of their innocence. Unfortunately these people cannot be trusted. Our prisons are full of so called "innocent" people.
A new foundation of trust can be established when people are genuinely willing to be honest and open with each other. The strength of the foundation has to do with just how honest and open people are willing to be. Being mostly honest may not be enough. However when it comes to disclosing an affair, you may want to refrain from sharing explicit details which might be more destructive than helpful. Taking responsibility for where you have gone wrong, and asking for forgiveness can clear the air and give an opportunity for a new start.
Think of your self as having a trust account. Every time you make a promise and keep it, that's a deposit in your account. If you end up breaking a promise that's a withdrawal. If you keep on making promises and keeping promises you will eventually get out of debt. At some point trust will begin to be restored. These promises could be little ones like coming home on time, or calling if you are going to be late. I hope you find these tips helpful.
