Blog Posts

How is your Marriage Doing?

1/4/2012

Connecting well with your partner well involves being accessible responsive and engaged. If you can answer true to seven or more of the following questions I would say you are well on you way to having a secure bond. On the other hand if you can’t answer true to very many of the questions below, you would likely benefit from doing some marriage counselling. You might find it interesting to share this questionnaire with your partner to see how they would respond.

From your viewpoint, is your partner accessible to you?

1) I can get my partner’s attention easily. T F

2) My partner is easy to connect with emotionally. T F

3) My partner shows me that I come first with him/her. T F

4) I am not feeling lonely or shut out in this relationship. T F

5) I can share my deepest feelings with my partner. He/ she will listen. T F

From your viewpoint, is your partner responsive to you?

1) If I need connection and comfort, he/she will be there for me. T F

2) My partner responds to signals that I need him/her to come close. T F

3) I can lean on my partner when I am anxious or unsure. T F

4) Even when we fight or disagree, I know that I am important to my partner and we
will find a way to come together. T F

5) If I need reassurance about how important I am to my partner, I can get it. T F

Are you positively emotionally engaged with each other?

1) I feel very comfortable being close to and trusting my partner. T F

2) I can confide in my partner about almost anything. T F

3) I feel confident, even when we are apart, that we are connected with each other.
T F
4) I know that my partner cares about my joys, hurts and fears. T F

5) I feel safe enough to take emotional risks with my partner. T F

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My Husband’s Silence Drives Me Crazy

11/18/2011

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When a wife asks her husband what he thinks, or feels, and he is silent she can get upset. Her conclusion may be that he just doesn't care. When she questions him about what he is thinking and he says, “Nothing” she may get suspicious and conclude that he is hiding something. When he senses that she is getting upset, his survival skills may tell him to lay low until she calms down. The idea that “silence is golden” is definitely not true in this case.

Demanding an answer from someone who is quiet usually gets a defensive response. Once the defensive response is triggered, things can easily escalate into a conflict, reinforcing the belief of the quiet person that the more you talk the worse it gets.

If conflict was not handled well in a person’s family background, it may trigger a reaction. The quiet person may have developed a coping strategy of avoiding conflict. If they habitually withdraw in conflict, like a turtle going into its shell, this will tend to erode a relationship over time. The end result is that two people who deep down love each other may feel very distant and alone.

So the million dollar question is how do you break out of this dangerous pattern? The first thing you can do as a couple is to identify when it’s happening. You could give it a name like “whirl pool”. If you can say “We are getting caught in the whirl pool again”, that’s better than pressuring for a response. The other person is not the enemy, it’s the “whirl pool” that is the enemy. At this point you have already taken three steps to correct the problem:

1) You have identified when it’s happening
2) You have given it a name
3) You have gotten on the same side.

Now that you are on the same side how do you get out of the whirl pool?

4) Ask your partner, “Can we can back up and restart this conversation?”

The person who has been asking questions or demanding input, needs to work at being more approachable. So how do they do that?
Take a deep breath and let it out slowly. It might help to smile, to touch, or just say “I don’t want to go down the whirl pool again.” Begin by stating your positive intentions. Avoid using the word “you” and use “I” instead. For example “I feel .........” or “I think ........” or “what I am experiencing is........”. When the word “you” is used , the focus will shift to them and they will likely feel attacked.

What if you have done good “I” messages and the other person is still stonewalling you with silence? This is when you need to be patient. Loving and respecting your partner may mean giving them a little space and time to regroup. My guess at this point is that they feel flooded and need an opportunity to formulate a response by themselves.

If you are the person requesting some quiet time alone, be sure to come back to the conversation as soon as possible. While in your time out try to reflect and get in touch with what’s going on inside of you. Think about where you agree or disagree, what is important to you, and how you feel about it. You may want to write down some notes to help you verbalize it. When you come back with a thoughtful response to you partner, you will be able to connect with them, and guess what, you will have escaped the whirl pool and are on your way to a happier relationship.

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How to Change Your Partner

11/4/2011

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You may have noticed trying to change that special someone in your life doesn’t usually work out very well. In spite of this, so many of us persistently try to do it anyway. It kind of reminds me of the robin who saw his reflection in my study window and persistently kept striking the window over and over again. I finally had to cover the window before it would stop and go away. That’s a true story. How about you, are you tired of “hitting the wall”?

The dynamics of what can happen when you try to change somebody is like a three-ring circus. The dynamics involve shifting between three roles- the rescuer role, the victim role and the persecutor role. When you read this you may see yourself in the story.

Here is an example of how it goes:

Scene1: The rescuer in this case is Sally. She looks at the guy in her life and thinks to herself, “Wow what a great guy George is. He has so much going for him. I see his potential and I think with just a few changes we could have a great relationship.” George really appreciates Sally because she has really been there for him through the tough times. In George’s case life has been difficult and some times he drinks to much and Sally worries for him. Because she cares about him she decides she is going to help, so she calls him on his cell phone and asks him how he is doing. At first George’s response to her help is appreciative. He knows she genuinely cares about him, and Sally feel satisfaction and a sense of worth in being able to be there for him.

Scene 2: As she continues in helping him the situation begins to digress. George begins to feel a little frustrated with Sally calling him when she is worried. “It’s okay”, he says, “I can take care of myself, I really don’t need you to check up on me.” But as the conversation continues George’s frustration escalates, and he loses it, “I’m sick and tired of your blankety blank calling me all the time, stop trying to fix me, just get off my back!” After the tongue lashing has stopped she feels very hurt and thinks to herself, “After all I have done for him he treats me like dirt.” Then her hurt erupts into anger, “If that’s how you feel you can go fly a kite. I am so done with this”.

If you are following the role shift you will notice George has been in the vicim role, but then loses it and moves into the role of the persecutor. Sally who has been in the role of the rescuer begins to feel like the victim, asking “How could he treat me like this”. Then she gets angry and shifts into the persecutor role and blasts him back.

Scene 3: The dust settles and George apologizes for being so difficult. He also tells her that he appreciates her for hanging in there with him. She thinks to herself, “I know George isn’t the perfect guy, but he has great potential, and with just a few changes he’d be perfect”. This takes us back to the beginning of scene 1, and around and around we go.

So what is the answer to this self propagating cycle?

Sally has to stop trying to fix and rescue George. When she is tempted to intervene she needs to stop herself. Trying to change him is back firing in a big way. In order for George to change he needs to be allowed to experience the natural consequences of his behavior and to take responsibility for making his own changes. When that happens the cycle is broken. When we learn to accept others as they are we free them to to grow and make change. For some reason this is one of the most difficult lessons in life to learn.

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Forward>>

How is your Marriage Doing?

My Husband’s Silence Drives Me Crazy

How to Change Your Partner

Duncan Nalos RCC