Biblical Affirmations for Marriage
by Duncan Nalos
There is a wealth of biblical material on the subject of marriage. The following series of scriptures followed by affirmations is a tool to help you develop a biblical world view. I hope that as you contemplate the scripture verses and the personalized affirmations and that you will embrace them and make them your own. My hope is that your commitment to your marriage will be strengthened, and that your love relationship with your partner would grow.
1) Adam & Eve
Gen. 1: 26-31 Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness... So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them... God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.
Both man and woman are equally created in the image of God; both are equally valued.
Because my partner is created in the image of God I will honor them and treat them with respect.
Man, male and female, reflect back to God his own image. It was his intention that the marriage relationship would reflect his image, that it would be a window into understanding who he is, his love and unity.
God’s delight in what he had created is affirmed in the phrase “it was very good”.
Sexuality is affirmed as very good.
Gen. 1:28 God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number ...”
I believe my sexuality and my partners sexuality is blessed by God and is good.
Gen. 2:18-25 The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. ...So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep... then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man."
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
Marriage is God’s plan and design. He created Eve and brought her to Adam so that he would not be alone. Companionship is God’s idea.
I believe that leaving father and mother and being united to my partner, changes the way I relate to my parents. It is a shift from dependence towards independence. It’s cutting the apron strings.
I believe God wants me to let go of any dependency or control by my parents, and to come together in love and unity with my partner in order to build a new life together.
2) Vows / Your Promise of a Lasting Commitment
Ecclesiastes 5:5 It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it.
A vow is a promise and commitment to God. It is also a commitment that I made publicly to all who were present.
In my vow I promised my partner that I would be faithful to them until death do us part.
I ask that I would have the strength to keep my vow.
I ask that my vow would create a feeling of permanence.
I ask that my partner would feel secure and safe in our marriage commitment.
Mark 10:6-9 But at the beginning of creation God made them male and female. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.
This vow is the basis of a new family unit.
Psalm 127:1 Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain.
I believe that I need God’s help if my efforts to build a strong marriage are to be successful.
I ask that my labors to build my house would not be in vain, that God would be the builder of my marriage and that I would remain faithful to him.
3) Headship & Equality
Gen. 3:8-9 Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, "Where are you?"
God calls out for Adam. He holds the husband accountable when things go wrong.
As a husband I accept that God holds me responsible to give leadership. Being passive and causing my partner to over-function shows a lack of leadership.
After the fall, when the curse of sin entered into the world there was a power struggle described in Gen. 3:16 “...Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you."
Adam dominating Eve, and Eve rebelling against Adam and seeking to rule over him, was the outcome of the fall of man, and does not reflect God’s created order. God’s plan of redemption is to restore the created order.
In the creation order, God formed Adam first and then created Eve. Because of this, Paul teaches that it is the man’s responsibility to exercise authority and give leadership. (1 Tim. 2:11-13)
Paul honors many women in leadership in the church by name, he sees them as equals spiritually, but never the less, does not allow them to have authority over men.
Mark 10:43-44 Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all.
Leadership is expressed through serving. Its not about being number one, but rather putting others first.
Phil. 2:3-4 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Yielding my rights and putting my partners interests ahead of my own is exercising good leadership.
Gal. 3:28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
I recognize that my partner and I are spiritually equal in the sight of God. The roles of husbands and wives are different, yet they are of equal value in the sight of God.
1 Peter 3:7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
I believe that husbands and wives are equal partners in the gracious gift of life. Since she is physically weaker, the husband is to treat her with respect and consideration.
If I force my way on my partner, God won’t listen to my prayers.
Male domination is a sin.
As a husband I ask that I would treat my wife with consideration and respect since we are heirs together of the gift of life.
4) Keeping Covenant
Malachi 2:13-16 You flood the Lord's altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, "Why?" It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. "I hate divorce," says the Lord God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.
An abusive relationship results in breaking faith with your partner, and the breaking of the marriage covenant. Staying in an abusive relationship is wrong.
It’s not God’s plan for me to be a door mat, and to tolerate abuse. I can have a backbone!
I believe that seeking to control a partner through put downs, intimidation or threats whether they be physical, emotional or financial is contrary to God’s design, and is a violation of the marriage vow.
Eph. 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
God’s intention is to bring about unity and oneness in my marriage so that my children will develop a strong faith in God, and not be turned away from their faith.
I ask that I would not break faith with my partner by being violent in my words or actions. I ask for the wisdom to be able to work through differences peaceably, with love and respect.
Luke 6:27-28 “But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.
When I feel hurt by my partner, its difficult to have a loving response. At times like that I feel like reacting, and hurting them back. However it is a core value in my faith to return good for evil. Love is a choice and I choose to respond in love even when its hard for me.
Matthew 19:8-9 Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."
Threatening divorce in a marital disagreement is not an option for me because it is not God’s plan for me to harden my heart towards my spouse.
Gal. 5:14-15 The entire law is summed up in a single command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.
I ask that my heart would remain soft towards my spouse, and that we would be faithful to each other.
Gal. 5:22-25 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.
Help me develop Godly character.
2Cor. 5:18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation.
Help me to be willing to reconcile and work through our differences.
5) Mutual Submission Love & Respect
Eph. 5:21-33 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. ...Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
...In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it (or nourishes & cherishes), just as Christ does the church for we are members of his body. ...For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. ...Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
The husband is to love his wife in the same way that God loves her, and in the same way he would love himself.
As a husband I ask that I would have the love of God in me so that I could love my wife the way God loves her. I ask that I would love her as I love myself.
Rom. 15:7 Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.
I choose to love and accept my partner just as they are rather than trying to change them.
Accepting the things I cannot change about my partner, their personality or limitations, will help lighten things up.
2 Cor. 9:6 Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously.
As I invest myself in loving my partner I believe it will energize and motivate them to love me in return.
Eph. 5:33 ... the wife must respect her husband.
As a wife I ask that God would give me the willingness and the ability to respect my husband even though it may be difficult at times.
The husband is to nourish and cherish his wife.
As a husband I want to commit to bring out the best in my wife.
As a husband I recognize my wife needs the freedom to develop her gifts and abilities and fulfill her calling. She needs growing space and breathing room!
I recognize that she needs time to be with her girl friends, and that although the marriage relationship is primary, it can not replace her girl friend needs.
I need to lighten up on any controlling behavior and make sure not to cause her to feel suffocated.
“If Momma ain’t happy no body’s happy.” If however her needs are met she will feel happy and energized.
I believe cherishing her involves listening to her and understanding her interests and passions.
I want her to understand how significant she is to me.
I believe that both husband and wife are to be mutually submitted to each other out of reverence to Christ.
I choose to honor my partner’s needs and am willing to yield to them when there is a disagreement, if it is important to them.
I am willing to listen to my partner’s point of view and be influenced by it.
I am willing to submit myself to my partner and consider their needs above my own.
I believe that it is God’s design for the husband to be the primary initiator in the marriage, and that the husband is to follow the example of the sacrificial love and leadership as portrayed in the life of Christ.
Headship is about responsible servant hearted leadership. Headship is not intended to be self serving, rather it is intended to serve the common good.
As a husband I seek to adopt the leadership style modeled by Christ.
As a husband my responsibility is to protect my wife. I need to be an encouragement and support to her, and even be willing to lay my life down for her.
I believe that the unity that God intended for me to have in my marriage relationship is to reflect God’s deep intimate and mysterious love.
As a husband I ask that I would have the sacrificial love of Christ in me, and that I would at times be willing to make a sacrifice.
Mutual submission to each other involves being open with your partner about what you are feeling and thinking. Its not blind submission out of fear.
Eph. 5:31-32 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.
The love between the husband and the wife is to be a metaphor for God’s relationship with his people.
6) Communicate with Love
Is.50:4 The Sovereign Lord has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.
I ask that I would have words of encouragement for my partner.
Prov. 25:11 A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.
I want to choose my words thoughtfully and carefully.
James 1:19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
In my communication with my partner I want to put a priority on listening.
I choose to acknowledge what I hear my partner saying, so that they feel understood.
I am willing to listen carefully and with empathy to my partner.
I am willing to see things from their point of view even when I disagree.
Eph. 4:15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.
I desire to communicate honestly and clearly, and not keep secrets from my partner. I desire to be open about what I am thinking and feeling.
Jn.8:32 Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
I need to care enough to confront my partner with the truth, because ultimately the Truth will set us free.
Holding things inside results in blowups. I realize I need to be open about what is bothering me.
I need to confront my partner with what I am feeling and thinking, rather than pretending things are okay when they are not.
Prov. 10:19 When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.
I ask for the wisdom to know when to be silent.
Prov. 17:27 A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.
I ask that I would not lash out in anger against my partner, but that I would be even tempered.
Prov. 18: 2 A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.
I will restrain myself from talking to much.
Prov. 13:3 He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.
Help me to bite my tongue before I say something I will regret.
Prov. 18:21 The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.
Prov. 22:13 The sluggard says, "There is a lion outside!" or, "I will be murdered in the streets!"
Help me to refrain from being melodramatic.
Prov. 25:14 Like clouds and wind without rain is a man who boasts of gifts he does not give.
Help me to restrain myself from exaggerating.
Phil. 2:3-4 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
I will ask myself if I am being selfish or self centered. I will seek to communicate respectfully.
Prov. 21:9 Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.
Prov. 21:19 Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.
In a time of conflict if my partner is needing space I will refrain from perusing them, arguing and chasing them away.
Prov. 16:32 Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.
I will learn to manage my anger.
Eph. 4:26 In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.
If we can’t resolve a conflict before we go down for the night, I will comfort my partner with the thought that I still love them and that I have the confidence that we will be able to work through the conflict at another time.
Prov. 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
I desire to speak kindly to my partner, and avoid raising my voice.
Prov. 29:11 A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.
I will exercise self control in my communication.
Prov. 18:13 He who answers before listening that is his folly and his shame.
I will avoid interrupting my partner, or talking over the top of them.
James 5:16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.
I will be open with my partner about when I have been wrong.
If there are things that I have been afraid to tell my partner, I ask for wisdom and courage to be open and honest.
Ecc. 3:7 There is a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak.
I will ask myself if this is the right time to bring up a subject.
Jam. 5:12 Let your “Yes” be yes, and your “No.”
I will avoid sending double messages.
Heb. 12:15 See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.
I choose not to hold things in and allow resentment to build.
Prov. 10:19 When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.
I will refrain from nagging.
Matt. 7:3 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
I will avoid being critical. I will take a close look at myself before pointing out the flaws in my partner.
Prov. 17:9 He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.
I can let go of an offense, and not talk about it behind my partners back.
Prov. 11:13 A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.
My partner can trust me that I will keep confidences.
1 Corinthians 13 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
I won’t keep a record of my partners wrongs.
Matt. 6:12 Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.
Matt. 6:14 For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
In forgiving I am getting the toxins out of my blood stream.
Eph. 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
I choose to be a forgiving person. I am not interested in blaming or holding on to a grudge.
7) The Challenge of Showing Love and Respect
You may be able to identify with the following comments on love and respect:
She may want to get it out on the table.
When he walks away in an argument it feels like he just doesn't care about me. When I ask him what is bothering him he says, “nothing”. I want him to share what’s going on inside, to let me more into his life. When I find out things that are going on in his life that he hasn’t shared with me I feel hurt. When I pursue him and tell him how I feel, he keeps avoiding me. I feel like there is a stone wall there and I don’t know how to dismantle it. I’m not sure what I can do to make conflict safe for him.
He may want to avoid conflict.
In times of conflict it seems like the honorable thing to do is walk away especially when I feel pushed to the edge. In times like that I am afraid that I might do or say things that I would regret. When I feel my blood pressure escalating, its hard for me to ask for a time out to think about my response. If I want her to know that I care about what is bothering her, I need to share with her that I will come back to discuss the issue with her when I have had time to think about it and cool down a little. Some times I just want to have more time to sort through my thoughts. I don’t like it when she asks me how I feel or what I am thinking. I want her to respect that I need time to get my thoughts together. Some times I’m like a turtle that wants to hide in my shell. Coming out of my shell doesn’t feel safe. Its hard for me to share my thoughts and feelings when I haven’t had time to process them. Laying my cards down for her to see feels disempowering and vulnerable. I wonder if she would think less of me if I sounded confused? I wonder if she would be supportive and respectful if I was to try to open up more?
His Take:
To sacrificially love my wife and put her first can be difficult, especially at times when she is angry or cynical. There are times when no matter how hard I try it doesn’t seem good enough, and I just feel like giving up. Keeping the promise to love and cherish her at times like this seems impossible. Loving her when she is critical and disrespectful is a big challenge. Its also hard to not take it personally when I feel attacked. I need to see past her anger and see her hurt and pain, I need to learn to respond to her in a loving way at times like that. To love my wife at times like that seems like an exercise in faith. I wonder if I consistently responded to my wife in a loving way if things would improve in our relationship.
Her Take:
1 Peter 3:1 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives. The notion of respecting my husband unconditionally when he doesn’t deserve it seems hypocritical, it also feels very unfair. I feel like just giving him a piece of my mind when he is insensitive and unloving. I think respect is something he should earn. Respecting him is so hard for me. I would rather lovingly point out where he needs to improve. It would be an exercise of faith to be respectful and submissive to my husband, it might shock him. I wonder what God would do in our marriage if I chose to respect him. Maybe things would improve.
8) Sexual Fulfillment
1 Cor. 7:3-5 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
There may be some value in separating in times of difficulty for the sake of prayer, but Paul’s concern is that couples don’t deprive each other.
My body belongs to my marriage partner. Caring for my partners sexual needs helps safeguard our relationship.
I choose not to withhold myself from my partner or to deprive my partner as a form of punishment.
Prov. 5:18-19 May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.
Sexual closeness with your life partner is captivating, it is something to rejoice in, and to be satisfied by. Sex outside the context of a marriage commitment is like a fire outside of a fireplace. Within the boundaries of the fireplace there is warmth and a wonderful sense of security.
Gen. 2:25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
I ask that my partner and myself will feel loved accepted and secure and without shame.
I John 4:18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
I ask that we would feel completely comfortable and safe with each other, and that there would be no fear.
The Song of Solomon is a celebration of the joys and delights of sexual closeness & intimacy.
Song of Solomon 2:16 My lover is mine and I am his he browses among the lilies.
These lovers took time for each other.
Song of Solomon 3:5 Do not awaken love until it so desires.
They were gentle and sensitive to each other.
Song of Solomon 4:10-11 How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice! Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue. The fragrance of your garments is like that of Lebanon. They were intoxicated with each other.
As a lover I desire to unreservedly and passionately give myself to my partner. I desire to be pure in heart, and completely without shame.
9) Contemplating Marriage & Premarital Sex
2 Cor. 6:14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.
I understand that it is not the will of God for believers to marry outside of the faith.
1 Cor. 7:8 Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
Paul commends singleness.
I understand that it is Gods plan for me to maintain sexual purity prior to marriage.
I also understand that if I am lack the ability to restrain myself sexually, it would be better to marry.
Deut. 22:13-15 According to the Old Testament a girl’s parents were required to have proof of their daughters virginity at the time she was married. Sex outside of marriage was punishable by death.
Even though I live in a society very different from that described in the law of Moses, I chose to live a life that reflects the value of sexual purity.
Exodus 20:14 “You shall not commit adultery” is one of the 10 commandments.
Even though I live in a culture that promotes sexual promiscuity, I chose to live a life that reflects biblical values.
1 Cor. 6:18-19 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?
I understand that maintaining sexual purity is a high value in the sight of God, and I seek to live according to his will in this regard.
John 8:11 To the woman caught in adultery Jesus said "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."
Thank you that when we repent you offer forgiveness.
Ps. 103:11-12 For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
Thank you that forgiveness means you no longer hold my sins against me.
1) Adam & Eve
Gen. 1: 26-31 Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness... So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them... God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.
Both man and woman are equally created in the image of God; both are equally valued.
Because my partner is created in the image of God I will honor them and treat them with respect.
Man, male and female, reflect back to God his own image. It was his intention that the marriage relationship would reflect his image, that it would be a window into understanding who he is, his love and unity.
God’s delight in what he had created is affirmed in the phrase “it was very good”.
Sexuality is affirmed as very good.
Gen. 1:28 God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number ...”
I believe my sexuality and my partners sexuality is blessed by God and is good.
Gen. 2:18-25 The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. ...So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep... then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man."
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
Marriage is God’s plan and design. He created Eve and brought her to Adam so that he would not be alone. Companionship is God’s idea.
I believe that leaving father and mother and being united to my partner, changes the way I relate to my parents. It is a shift from dependence towards independence. It’s cutting the apron strings.
I believe God wants me to let go of any dependency or control by my parents, and to come together in love and unity with my partner in order to build a new life together.
2) Vows / Your Promise of a Lasting Commitment
Ecclesiastes 5:5 It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it.
A vow is a promise and commitment to God. It is also a commitment that I made publicly to all who were present.
In my vow I promised my partner that I would be faithful to them until death do us part.
I ask that I would have the strength to keep my vow.
I ask that my vow would create a feeling of permanence.
I ask that my partner would feel secure and safe in our marriage commitment.
Mark 10:6-9 But at the beginning of creation God made them male and female. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.
This vow is the basis of a new family unit.
Psalm 127:1 Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain.
I believe that I need God’s help if my efforts to build a strong marriage are to be successful.
I ask that my labors to build my house would not be in vain, that God would be the builder of my marriage and that I would remain faithful to him.
3) Headship & Equality
Gen. 3:8-9 Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, "Where are you?"
God calls out for Adam. He holds the husband accountable when things go wrong.
As a husband I accept that God holds me responsible to give leadership. Being passive and causing my partner to over-function shows a lack of leadership.
After the fall, when the curse of sin entered into the world there was a power struggle described in Gen. 3:16 “...Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you."
Adam dominating Eve, and Eve rebelling against Adam and seeking to rule over him, was the outcome of the fall of man, and does not reflect God’s created order. God’s plan of redemption is to restore the created order.
In the creation order, God formed Adam first and then created Eve. Because of this, Paul teaches that it is the man’s responsibility to exercise authority and give leadership. (1 Tim. 2:11-13)
Paul honors many women in leadership in the church by name, he sees them as equals spiritually, but never the less, does not allow them to have authority over men.
Mark 10:43-44 Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all.
Leadership is expressed through serving. Its not about being number one, but rather putting others first.
Phil. 2:3-4 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Yielding my rights and putting my partners interests ahead of my own is exercising good leadership.
Gal. 3:28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
I recognize that my partner and I are spiritually equal in the sight of God. The roles of husbands and wives are different, yet they are of equal value in the sight of God.
1 Peter 3:7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
I believe that husbands and wives are equal partners in the gracious gift of life. Since she is physically weaker, the husband is to treat her with respect and consideration.
If I force my way on my partner, God won’t listen to my prayers.
Male domination is a sin.
As a husband I ask that I would treat my wife with consideration and respect since we are heirs together of the gift of life.
4) Keeping Covenant
Malachi 2:13-16 You flood the Lord's altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, "Why?" It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. "I hate divorce," says the Lord God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.
An abusive relationship results in breaking faith with your partner, and the breaking of the marriage covenant. Staying in an abusive relationship is wrong.
It’s not God’s plan for me to be a door mat, and to tolerate abuse. I can have a backbone!
I believe that seeking to control a partner through put downs, intimidation or threats whether they be physical, emotional or financial is contrary to God’s design, and is a violation of the marriage vow.
Eph. 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
God’s intention is to bring about unity and oneness in my marriage so that my children will develop a strong faith in God, and not be turned away from their faith.
I ask that I would not break faith with my partner by being violent in my words or actions. I ask for the wisdom to be able to work through differences peaceably, with love and respect.
Luke 6:27-28 “But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.
When I feel hurt by my partner, its difficult to have a loving response. At times like that I feel like reacting, and hurting them back. However it is a core value in my faith to return good for evil. Love is a choice and I choose to respond in love even when its hard for me.
Matthew 19:8-9 Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."
Threatening divorce in a marital disagreement is not an option for me because it is not God’s plan for me to harden my heart towards my spouse.
Gal. 5:14-15 The entire law is summed up in a single command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.
I ask that my heart would remain soft towards my spouse, and that we would be faithful to each other.
Gal. 5:22-25 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.
Help me develop Godly character.
2Cor. 5:18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation.
Help me to be willing to reconcile and work through our differences.
5) Mutual Submission Love & Respect
Eph. 5:21-33 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. ...Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
...In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it (or nourishes & cherishes), just as Christ does the church for we are members of his body. ...For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. ...Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
The husband is to love his wife in the same way that God loves her, and in the same way he would love himself.
As a husband I ask that I would have the love of God in me so that I could love my wife the way God loves her. I ask that I would love her as I love myself.
Rom. 15:7 Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.
I choose to love and accept my partner just as they are rather than trying to change them.
Accepting the things I cannot change about my partner, their personality or limitations, will help lighten things up.
2 Cor. 9:6 Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously.
As I invest myself in loving my partner I believe it will energize and motivate them to love me in return.
Eph. 5:33 ... the wife must respect her husband.
As a wife I ask that God would give me the willingness and the ability to respect my husband even though it may be difficult at times.
The husband is to nourish and cherish his wife.
As a husband I want to commit to bring out the best in my wife.
As a husband I recognize my wife needs the freedom to develop her gifts and abilities and fulfill her calling. She needs growing space and breathing room!
I recognize that she needs time to be with her girl friends, and that although the marriage relationship is primary, it can not replace her girl friend needs.
I need to lighten up on any controlling behavior and make sure not to cause her to feel suffocated.
“If Momma ain’t happy no body’s happy.” If however her needs are met she will feel happy and energized.
I believe cherishing her involves listening to her and understanding her interests and passions.
I want her to understand how significant she is to me.
I believe that both husband and wife are to be mutually submitted to each other out of reverence to Christ.
I choose to honor my partner’s needs and am willing to yield to them when there is a disagreement, if it is important to them.
I am willing to listen to my partner’s point of view and be influenced by it.
I am willing to submit myself to my partner and consider their needs above my own.
I believe that it is God’s design for the husband to be the primary initiator in the marriage, and that the husband is to follow the example of the sacrificial love and leadership as portrayed in the life of Christ.
Headship is about responsible servant hearted leadership. Headship is not intended to be self serving, rather it is intended to serve the common good.
As a husband I seek to adopt the leadership style modeled by Christ.
As a husband my responsibility is to protect my wife. I need to be an encouragement and support to her, and even be willing to lay my life down for her.
I believe that the unity that God intended for me to have in my marriage relationship is to reflect God’s deep intimate and mysterious love.
As a husband I ask that I would have the sacrificial love of Christ in me, and that I would at times be willing to make a sacrifice.
Mutual submission to each other involves being open with your partner about what you are feeling and thinking. Its not blind submission out of fear.
Eph. 5:31-32 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.
The love between the husband and the wife is to be a metaphor for God’s relationship with his people.
6) Communicate with Love
Is.50:4 The Sovereign Lord has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.
I ask that I would have words of encouragement for my partner.
Prov. 25:11 A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.
I want to choose my words thoughtfully and carefully.
James 1:19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
In my communication with my partner I want to put a priority on listening.
I choose to acknowledge what I hear my partner saying, so that they feel understood.
I am willing to listen carefully and with empathy to my partner.
I am willing to see things from their point of view even when I disagree.
Eph. 4:15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.
I desire to communicate honestly and clearly, and not keep secrets from my partner. I desire to be open about what I am thinking and feeling.
Jn.8:32 Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
I need to care enough to confront my partner with the truth, because ultimately the Truth will set us free.
Holding things inside results in blowups. I realize I need to be open about what is bothering me.
I need to confront my partner with what I am feeling and thinking, rather than pretending things are okay when they are not.
Prov. 10:19 When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.
I ask for the wisdom to know when to be silent.
Prov. 17:27 A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.
I ask that I would not lash out in anger against my partner, but that I would be even tempered.
Prov. 18: 2 A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.
I will restrain myself from talking to much.
Prov. 13:3 He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.
Help me to bite my tongue before I say something I will regret.
Prov. 18:21 The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.
Prov. 22:13 The sluggard says, "There is a lion outside!" or, "I will be murdered in the streets!"
Help me to refrain from being melodramatic.
Prov. 25:14 Like clouds and wind without rain is a man who boasts of gifts he does not give.
Help me to restrain myself from exaggerating.
Phil. 2:3-4 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
I will ask myself if I am being selfish or self centered. I will seek to communicate respectfully.
Prov. 21:9 Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.
Prov. 21:19 Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.
In a time of conflict if my partner is needing space I will refrain from perusing them, arguing and chasing them away.
Prov. 16:32 Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.
I will learn to manage my anger.
Eph. 4:26 In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.
If we can’t resolve a conflict before we go down for the night, I will comfort my partner with the thought that I still love them and that I have the confidence that we will be able to work through the conflict at another time.
Prov. 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
I desire to speak kindly to my partner, and avoid raising my voice.
Prov. 29:11 A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.
I will exercise self control in my communication.
Prov. 18:13 He who answers before listening that is his folly and his shame.
I will avoid interrupting my partner, or talking over the top of them.
James 5:16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.
I will be open with my partner about when I have been wrong.
If there are things that I have been afraid to tell my partner, I ask for wisdom and courage to be open and honest.
Ecc. 3:7 There is a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak.
I will ask myself if this is the right time to bring up a subject.
Jam. 5:12 Let your “Yes” be yes, and your “No.”
I will avoid sending double messages.
Heb. 12:15 See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.
I choose not to hold things in and allow resentment to build.
Prov. 10:19 When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.
I will refrain from nagging.
Matt. 7:3 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
I will avoid being critical. I will take a close look at myself before pointing out the flaws in my partner.
Prov. 17:9 He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.
I can let go of an offense, and not talk about it behind my partners back.
Prov. 11:13 A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.
My partner can trust me that I will keep confidences.
1 Corinthians 13 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
I won’t keep a record of my partners wrongs.
Matt. 6:12 Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.
Matt. 6:14 For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
In forgiving I am getting the toxins out of my blood stream.
Eph. 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
I choose to be a forgiving person. I am not interested in blaming or holding on to a grudge.
7) The Challenge of Showing Love and Respect
You may be able to identify with the following comments on love and respect:
She may want to get it out on the table.
When he walks away in an argument it feels like he just doesn't care about me. When I ask him what is bothering him he says, “nothing”. I want him to share what’s going on inside, to let me more into his life. When I find out things that are going on in his life that he hasn’t shared with me I feel hurt. When I pursue him and tell him how I feel, he keeps avoiding me. I feel like there is a stone wall there and I don’t know how to dismantle it. I’m not sure what I can do to make conflict safe for him.
He may want to avoid conflict.
In times of conflict it seems like the honorable thing to do is walk away especially when I feel pushed to the edge. In times like that I am afraid that I might do or say things that I would regret. When I feel my blood pressure escalating, its hard for me to ask for a time out to think about my response. If I want her to know that I care about what is bothering her, I need to share with her that I will come back to discuss the issue with her when I have had time to think about it and cool down a little. Some times I just want to have more time to sort through my thoughts. I don’t like it when she asks me how I feel or what I am thinking. I want her to respect that I need time to get my thoughts together. Some times I’m like a turtle that wants to hide in my shell. Coming out of my shell doesn’t feel safe. Its hard for me to share my thoughts and feelings when I haven’t had time to process them. Laying my cards down for her to see feels disempowering and vulnerable. I wonder if she would think less of me if I sounded confused? I wonder if she would be supportive and respectful if I was to try to open up more?
His Take:
To sacrificially love my wife and put her first can be difficult, especially at times when she is angry or cynical. There are times when no matter how hard I try it doesn’t seem good enough, and I just feel like giving up. Keeping the promise to love and cherish her at times like this seems impossible. Loving her when she is critical and disrespectful is a big challenge. Its also hard to not take it personally when I feel attacked. I need to see past her anger and see her hurt and pain, I need to learn to respond to her in a loving way at times like that. To love my wife at times like that seems like an exercise in faith. I wonder if I consistently responded to my wife in a loving way if things would improve in our relationship.
Her Take:
1 Peter 3:1 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives. The notion of respecting my husband unconditionally when he doesn’t deserve it seems hypocritical, it also feels very unfair. I feel like just giving him a piece of my mind when he is insensitive and unloving. I think respect is something he should earn. Respecting him is so hard for me. I would rather lovingly point out where he needs to improve. It would be an exercise of faith to be respectful and submissive to my husband, it might shock him. I wonder what God would do in our marriage if I chose to respect him. Maybe things would improve.
8) Sexual Fulfillment
1 Cor. 7:3-5 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
There may be some value in separating in times of difficulty for the sake of prayer, but Paul’s concern is that couples don’t deprive each other.
My body belongs to my marriage partner. Caring for my partners sexual needs helps safeguard our relationship.
I choose not to withhold myself from my partner or to deprive my partner as a form of punishment.
Prov. 5:18-19 May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.
Sexual closeness with your life partner is captivating, it is something to rejoice in, and to be satisfied by. Sex outside the context of a marriage commitment is like a fire outside of a fireplace. Within the boundaries of the fireplace there is warmth and a wonderful sense of security.
Gen. 2:25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
I ask that my partner and myself will feel loved accepted and secure and without shame.
I John 4:18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
I ask that we would feel completely comfortable and safe with each other, and that there would be no fear.
The Song of Solomon is a celebration of the joys and delights of sexual closeness & intimacy.
Song of Solomon 2:16 My lover is mine and I am his he browses among the lilies.
These lovers took time for each other.
Song of Solomon 3:5 Do not awaken love until it so desires.
They were gentle and sensitive to each other.
Song of Solomon 4:10-11 How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice! Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue. The fragrance of your garments is like that of Lebanon. They were intoxicated with each other.
As a lover I desire to unreservedly and passionately give myself to my partner. I desire to be pure in heart, and completely without shame.
9) Contemplating Marriage & Premarital Sex
2 Cor. 6:14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.
I understand that it is not the will of God for believers to marry outside of the faith.
1 Cor. 7:8 Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
Paul commends singleness.
I understand that it is Gods plan for me to maintain sexual purity prior to marriage.
I also understand that if I am lack the ability to restrain myself sexually, it would be better to marry.
Deut. 22:13-15 According to the Old Testament a girl’s parents were required to have proof of their daughters virginity at the time she was married. Sex outside of marriage was punishable by death.
Even though I live in a society very different from that described in the law of Moses, I chose to live a life that reflects the value of sexual purity.
Exodus 20:14 “You shall not commit adultery” is one of the 10 commandments.
Even though I live in a culture that promotes sexual promiscuity, I chose to live a life that reflects biblical values.
1 Cor. 6:18-19 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?
I understand that maintaining sexual purity is a high value in the sight of God, and I seek to live according to his will in this regard.
John 8:11 To the woman caught in adultery Jesus said "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."
Thank you that when we repent you offer forgiveness.
Ps. 103:11-12 For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
Thank you that forgiveness means you no longer hold my sins against me.
All 13 tracts
01 - I Am Loved
02 - Facing My Fears And Failures
03 - No Need To Live In Fear
04 - I Can Love Myself
05 - I Have Gifts
06 - Handling Difficult People
07 - Handling Conflict
08 - Lifestyle Of Peace And Contentment
09 - Reducing The Stress
10 - Outside My Control
11 - Inner Battle
12 - Strength From God
13 - Facing The Future
