<![CDATA[Counsel Me - Individual & Marriage Counselling - Abbotsford B.C. - Blog]]>Thu, 17 May 2012 07:10:46 -0800Weebly<![CDATA[Tending your Secret Garden]]>Sun, 06 May 2012 04:57:24 -0800http://www.counselme.ca/3/post/2012/05/tending-your-secret-garden.htmlIn the wisdom literature, and particularly the Song of Solomon, the Garden and the Vineyard are used as metaphors for where the experience of a love relationship takes place.   A virgin is a sealed garden, meaning that she is completely unspoiled and pure.  Lovers descend into the vineyard and are intoxicated with the delights of love, a love that is pure and passionate.  

True love that is pure and passionate is utterly and completely exclusive.  In the climax of the Song of Solomon (8:6-7) here is how the Bible defines true love.

Love is as strong as death,
    its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
    like a mighty flame. 

Many waters cannot quench love;
    rivers cannot sweep it away.
If one were to give
    all the wealth of one’s house for love,
    It would be utterly scorned.

Do you sense the passion and power of the unquenchable flame of true love?  Would you describe the love you have for your partner in that way?

This kind of love finds its origins in the hearts and minds that are consecrated, where vows of marriage are protected with a passion, and where lives are unsoiled from the world.  I believe that couples can cultivate the passion and power of true love, not because they married the right person, but because with God’s help they become the person their partner longs for.  

Have you been looking after your garden, the sacred inner space of your private world?  What have you allowed in?  The lovers in the Song of Solomon talk about about catching the little foxes that spoil the vineyards.  Do you have little foxes in your vineyard?  Can you think of what some of those little foxes might look like?  

To protect and cultivate the love life of your secret garden takes diligence, discipline and work, but when there is true love, it’s really not work at all.


]]><![CDATA[Learning to Listen]]>Wed, 18 Apr 2012 03:29:24 -0800http://www.counselme.ca/3/post/2012/04/learning-to-listen.htmlBeing a good listener is incredibly important in building relationships yet it is also very rare to find someone who listens well.  Can you think of have someone in your life that listens to you and understands you?  If not, you aren’t alone.  If you can learn to be a good listener, what a wonderful gift to give to someone you care about.  

In relationships most people are focused on what they want to say,  and if you ask them later about the conversation, what they remember is what they said.   Setting aside our own agenda to listen to someone else is difficult, especially when we feel that their perspective is off, or their attitude and tone of voice is critical or derogatory, but it can be done.

Part of the problem is that we feel we have a right to express ourselves and it’s true that we do, but listening well involves setting aside that right, something most of us are unwilling to do.  Actually putting other people ahead of ourselves is really hard and it takes a lot of internal strength.  The rewards for being a good listener are very high.  People love talking with someone who actually listens. 

James1:19 says  “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry”.  Usually we get it all backwards and end up being slow to listen, quick to speak, and quick to become angry.

Have fun trying to be a good listener!


]]><![CDATA[Love Your Partner / Love Yourself ]]>Mon, 26 Mar 2012 07:59:04 -0800http://www.counselme.ca/3/post/2012/03/love-your-partner-love-yourself1.htmlAdding a log to the fire keeps it warm and glowing, and those who stoke their relationship with love can keep the fire of romance from growing cold.  On the other hand, neglect the fire and eventually it will die out.  Good relationships grow and last when they are cultivated. They take work.  Relationships flow in cycles.  A loving action or remark sets the stage for a loving response, and a critical remark or action sets the stage for a response in kind.  A small rock can start an avalanche, and it doesn’t take much to get a negative cycle going.  Keeping a positive cycle going is well worth the effort.  In Paul’s letter to the Ephesians he says, “husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”  In his letter to the Galatians he writes “God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows."

When we love our partners we energize, empower and motivate them to love us in return, which continues to fuel a self reinforcing cycle.  Unfortunately the reverse is true as well, and there are some couples who have been stuck in a negative cycle for years and have severely eroded their relationships.  Some of us are inconsistent and fluctuate from a cycle where everything seems to be going great, until something triggers a downward spiral into  a negative cycle.  Learning to pull out of a negative cycle is important.  Understanding this reciprocal feed back loop is so important in resolving relationship difficulties.  You can map out a negative cycle by remembering a conflict and asking yourself what started it.  Once you have an answer, your partner will provide input as to what happened prior to that piece, and quite likely it will come to you what preceded that, and as you keep going back, you will indeed recognize that you are in a cycle. If you begin to look for common themes in your interactions, it will lead you to recognize the deeper issues and unresolved needs in you and your partners lives.  When couples are stuck in a negative cycle I hear them say things like:

“It’s up to him to take the initiative to resolve this conflict.” 

“If she wants to withdraw and become distant, two can play that game.”

“If he refuses to be there for me, why should I bother trying to be meet his needs.”

“If he wants respect then he needs to earn it.” 

“As far as I’m concerned, let her reap what she has sown; what goes around comes around!” 

Life would be pretty miserable if we all got what we deserved. Breaking out of a bad cycle involves intentionally responding in a loving way in spite of feeling hurt or upset.  This counter intuitive idea of returning good for evil is a key principal in the teachings of Jesus.  The challenge to do this is a central theme in the Sermon on the Mount.    

  Luke 6:27-38  “But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. 30 Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. 31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.   32 If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ do that. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ lend to ‘sinners,’ expecting to be repaid in full. 35 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. 37 Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38 Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”  

To consciously make an effort to respond in a loving way is hard, but it does have the power to break a negative cycle, and get a positive cycle going.  The good news is that God has a better plan, and it can start with you. 

Ask God for wisdom in knowing how to love your partner.  Study their love language.  Do they respond to acts of service, words of affirmation, receiving gifts, or physical touch?  What is it that causes them to feel loved?  Hold off on telling them what you think, and first ask them what they think, listen compassionately to what they are saying.  Give them your 100% attention, look into their eyes, and discern what their needs might be, and learn to scratch them where they itch.  No recipe for loving your partner can be standardized.  You partner is unique.  They may not respond to your efforts as you expected, so go back to the drawing board and ask God for wisdom.  Don’t just keep on doing the same thing if it doesn’t work!  Once you discover what does work keep on doing it!   

How things are said can make a difference.  One gal just wanted to hear her man say the words  “I would like to ask you out on a date”.  She didn’t just want to be invited to come along, she needed to feel that she was the desire of his heart. Loving your partner can become contagious.  The more you love them, the more they love you, and this falling in love disease may be just what the doctor ordered!

]]><![CDATA[Life is Fragile]]>Thu, 08 Mar 2012 15:17:05 -0800http://www.counselme.ca/3/post/2012/03/life-is-fragile.htmlLast Wednesday it was a day like any other.  I had come home from having my teeth cleaned by the dental hygienist, and was meeting with clients.  Early in the afternoon I experienced sudden bleeding from my lower GI.  Seeing your own blood is quite a shock especially when there is a lot of it.  I thought it would stop like a nosebleed, and I could have it checked out later.  By six the bleeding hadn’t stopped and I was going to get my wife to drive me to emerg.  When I collapsed I realized that we better call 911 which in retrospect was the right thing to do.  The fire tuck was first at the scene and then three minutes later the ambulance came.  The idea of having a tour of the acute care bay in our new hospital would have been interesting, but not as a patient with an IV stuck in my arm.  

My family doctor came the following morning to check on me.  He’s a great guy with a forthright and honest prairie mentality.   He said to me that I needed to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.  Likely the it was a cancerous tumor that had been there for a while.  Those words struck me like a death sentence, especially since my father had cancer in his forties.  I was told the gastroenterologist on duty would scope me the next day to see where the bleeding was coming from.  Lying there on a cot on the acute care ward feeling in limbo wondering how much longer I had, was a strange place to be.  It reminds me of the saying “life happens while you are making plans”.  My wife kissed me and said that she wanted to remember my lips while they were still warm.

At 6:00AM the following morning they gave me something to drink to flush me out in preparation for a colonoscopy.  Wow did it ever work fast. Great way to start the morning.  The good news was that the gastroenterologist said it wasn’t cancer but rather a condition that could be treated with a high fibre diet called diverticulosis.  I felt so relieved, but those feelings where short lived because the bleeding had started up again. 

That afternoon I was told that surgery would be required to stop the bleeding and that if I hemorrhaged the surgeon might have to remove my colon to save my life.  The prospect of being sliced open was frightening to say the least.  By this time friends everywhere were praying for me since I had been bleeding all through the day.  I had already lost more than half my blood, 10 units, and would in total receive 6 units.  I feel grateful for those who donate blood; it truly is a life saving gift.

Surgery was planned for the following day but the surgeon was reticent to open me up without being confident of a target location.   He tried to get me into the Royal Columbian Hospital for an angiogram but they would not take me with out proof of an active bleed so a specialty CT scan was ordered stat.  Amazingly the bleeding was stopped.  Thankfully I never had to have surgery and was able to go home two days later.  The whole ordeal left me feeling grateful for being alive.  It’s funny how you look at life differently when you realize how fragile it is and how easily it could be taken from you.  Coming out of the hospital that rainy morning I know I have a greater appreciation of life.  Even the little water droplets on the car window looked beautiful, as do all the precious people in my life.  I hope I don’t forget this lesson soon.




]]><![CDATA[Becoming Whole]]>Mon, 13 Feb 2012 12:39:32 -0800http://www.counselme.ca/3/post/2012/02/becoming-whole.htmlThe process of becoming whole in body mind and spirit is the work of a lifetime.  When we do or say things that are inconsistent with who we at our core, that sense of wholeness or that feeling of completeness is damaged and we feel broken and fragmented.  If there is something going on our lives that just doesn’t belong such as a relationship or a bad habit, some part of us that is inconsistent with the whole, I believe that we can feel the incongruity.  The pieces that do not fit are like a free-radicals in our blood stream that our immune system is fighting against.  If we learn to listen to our bodies, I believe that they can tell us all kinds of things about ourselves.  The tight muscles in our neck or the tension we may feel in our guts is our body talking to us.  When the pieces that do not belong are removed or altered we begin to move toward a greater sense of wholeness.   If we were completely at peace within ourselves all the different parts and pieces would fit together like a puzzle and form a complete picture of our true self, and we would feel whole, complete and integrated.  

The word translated peace in the Old Testament comes from the Hebrew word shalom.  Shalom is a complete peace. Shalom means to be complete, perfect and full.  Shalom is a feeling of contentment, wholeness, well being and harmony.  Shalom also carries with it the meaning of health, welfare, safety, soundness, tranquility, prosperity and rest.     

The priestly benediction from (Numb. 6:24-26) reads:

“The LORD bless you
   and keep you;
the LORD make his face shine on you
   and be gracious to you;
the LORD turn his face toward you
   and give you peace.”

I think this experience of shalom, of being whole and complete and at peace within ourselves, goes beyond what we can do for ourselves, and is in fact a gift. 

In the New Testament (John 14:27) Jesus gives this benediction of peace to his disciples.  “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

What is interesting about Jesus was that there was a complete sense of peace about him even when he was in the midst of turmoil and conflict.  It was his inner peace that defined him more than anything else.  I think this is what it means to be whole.

]]><![CDATA[Overcoming Shyness ]]>Wed, 11 Jan 2012 15:51:03 -0800http://www.counselme.ca/3/post/2012/01/overcoming-shyness.htmlIf you ask yourself when you first experienced shyness, you may have memories of being the last kid picked on a team, or remember feelings of shame from something that happened.  Sometimes things that seemed inconsequential can have a big impact on a little person.  Recounting these events from a more compassionate adult perspective can be healing, especially when you realize that the events often say more about others than they say about you.

The thing that is damaging about these memories is what we come to believe about ourselves.  If you define yourself by experiences of rejection, and see yourself as less than desirable, you will be less likely to engage socially.  The experience of withdrawing and isolating from others leads to feeling like you are on the outside and somehow different, which further reinforces the negative beliefs perpetuating the feelings of shyness.


So how does one actually overcome shyness?  One place to begin is to examine what you have come to believe about yourself.  Perhaps you need to rewrite that internal script to sound a little more positive and truthful.  Loving and accepting yourself is part of the healing process.  When you are feeling more confident about yourself, initiating relationships with others will not be as difficult.  Its easier to play it safe and wait for others to reach out to you, but the rewards for reaching out to others is well worth the effort.


]]><![CDATA[How is your Marriage Doing? ]]>Wed, 04 Jan 2012 07:52:51 -0800http://www.counselme.ca/3/post/2012/01/how-is-your-marriage-doing.htmlConnecting well with your partner well involves being accessible responsive and engaged.  If you can answer true to seven or more of the following questions I would say you are well on you way to having a secure bond.  On the other hand if you can’t answer true to very many of the questions below, you would likely benefit  from doing some marriage counselling.  You might find it interesting to share this questionnaire with your partner to see how they would respond.


From your viewpoint, is your partner accessible to you?

1)  I can get my partner’s attention easily.   T  F

2)  My partner is easy to connect with emotionally.  T  F

3)  My partner shows me that I come first with him/her.  T  F

4)  I am not feeling lonely or shut out in this relationship.  T  F

5)  I can share my deepest feelings with my partner.  He/ she will listen.  T  F

   
From your viewpoint, is your partner responsive to you?

1)  If I need connection and comfort, he/she will be there for me.  T  F

2)  My partner responds to signals that I need him/her to come close.  T  F

3)  I can lean on my partner when I am anxious or unsure.  T  F

4)  Even when we fight or disagree, I know that I am important to my partner and we   
     will find a way to come together.  T  F

5)  If I need reassurance about how important I am to my partner, I can get it.  T  F


Are you positively emotionally engaged with each other?

1)  I feel very comfortable being close to and trusting my partner.  T  F

2)  I can confide in my partner about almost anything.  T  F

3)  I feel confident, even when we are apart, that we are connected with each other. 
    T  F 
4)  I know that my partner cares about my joys, hurts and fears.  T  F

5)  I feel safe enough to take emotional risks with my partner.  T  F


]]><![CDATA[My Husband’s Silence Drives Me Crazy]]>Fri, 18 Nov 2011 06:35:25 -0800http://www.counselme.ca/3/post/2011/11/my-husbands-silence-drives-me-crazy.htmlWhen a wife asks her husband what he thinks, or feels, and he is silent she can get upset.  Her conclusion may be that he just doesn't care.  When she questions him about what he is thinking and he says, “Nothing” she may get suspicious and conclude that he is hiding something.   When he senses that she is getting upset, his survival skills may tell him to lay low until she calms down.  The idea that “silence is golden” is definitely not true in this case.   

Demanding an answer from someone who is quiet usually gets a defensive response.  Once the defensive response is triggered, things can easily escalate into a conflict, reinforcing the belief of the quiet person that the more you talk the worse it gets.  

If conflict was not handled well in a person’s family background, it may trigger a reaction.  The quiet person may have developed a coping strategy of avoiding conflict.  If they habitually withdraw in conflict, like a turtle going into its shell, this will tend to erode a relationship over time.  The end result is that two people who deep down love each other may feel very distant and alone.

So the million dollar question is how do you break out of this dangerous pattern?  The first thing you can do as a couple is to identify when it’s happening.  You could give it a name like “whirl pool”.  If you can say “We are getting caught in the whirl pool again”, that’s better than pressuring for a response.  The other person is not the enemy, it’s the “whirl pool” that is the enemy.  At this point you have already taken three steps to correct the problem:

1)  You have identified when it’s happening 
2)  You have given it a name
3)  You have gotten on the same side. 

  Now that you are on the same side how do you get out of the whirl pool?  

4) Ask your partner, “Can we can back up and restart this conversation?”

The person who has been asking questions or demanding input, needs to work at being more approachable.  So how do they do that?
Take a deep breath and let it out slowly.  It might help to smile, to touch, or just say “I don’t want to go down the whirl pool again.”   Begin by stating your positive intentions. Avoid using the word “you” and use “I” instead.  For example  “I feel .........”  or “I think ........” or “what I am experiencing is........”.   When the word “you” is used , the focus will shift to them and they will likely feel attacked. 

What if you have done good “I” messages and the other person is still stonewalling you with silence?  This is when you need to be patient.  Loving and respecting your partner may mean giving them a little space and time to regroup.  My guess at this point is that they feel flooded and need an opportunity to formulate a response by themselves. 

If you are the person requesting some quiet time alone, be sure to come back to the conversation as soon as possible.  While in your time out try to reflect and get in touch with what’s going on inside of you.  Think about where you agree or disagree, what is important to you, and how you feel about it.  You may want to write down some notes to help you verbalize it.  When you come back with a thoughtful response to you partner, you will be able to connect with them, and guess what, you will have escaped the whirl pool and are on your way to a happier relationship.

 ]]><![CDATA[How to Change Your Partner]]>Fri, 04 Nov 2011 22:29:30 -0800http://www.counselme.ca/3/post/2011/11/first-post.htmlYou may have noticed trying to change that special someone in your life doesn’t usually work out very well.  In spite of this, so many of us persistently try to do it anyway.  It kind of reminds me of the robin who saw his reflection in my study window and persistently kept striking the window over and over again.  I finally had to cover the window before it would stop and go away.  That’s a true story.  How about you, are you tired of “hitting the wall”?  

The dynamics of what can happen when you try to change somebody is like a three-ring circus.  The dynamics involve shifting between three roles- the rescuer role, the victim role and the persecutor role.  When you read this you may see yourself in the story.

Picture
Here is an example of how it goes:

Scene1:  The rescuer in this case is Sally.  She looks at the guy in her life and thinks to herself, “Wow what a great guy George is.  He has so much going for him.  I see his potential and I think with just a few changes we could have a great relationship.”  George really appreciates Sally because she has really been there for him through the tough times.  In George’s case life has been difficult and some times he drinks to much and Sally worries for him.  Because she cares about him she decides she is going to help, so she calls him on his cell phone and asks him how he is doing.  At first George’s response to her help is appreciative.  He knows she genuinely cares about him, and Sally feel satisfaction and a sense of worth in being able to be there for him.  


Scene 2:  As she continues in helping him the situation begins to digress.  George begins to feel a little frustrated with Sally calling him when she is worried.  “It’s okay”, he says, “I can take care of myself, I really don’t need you to check up on me.”  But as the conversation continues George’s frustration escalates, and he loses it, “I’m sick and tired of your blankety blank calling me all the time, stop trying to fix me, just get off my back!”  After the tongue lashing has stopped she feels very hurt and thinks to herself, “After all I have done for him  he treats me like dirt.”  Then her hurt erupts into anger,  “If that’s how you feel you can go fly a kite.  I am so done with this”.  


If you are following the role shift you will notice George has been in the vicim role, but then loses it and moves into the role of the persecutor.  Sally who has been in the role of the rescuer begins to feel like the victim, asking “How could he treat me like this”.  Then she gets angry and shifts into the persecutor role and blasts him back.


Scene 3:  The dust settles and George apologizes for being so difficult.  He also tells her that he appreciates her for hanging in there with him.  She thinks to herself, “I know George isn’t the perfect guy, but he has great potential, and with just a few changes he’d be perfect”.  This takes us back to the beginning of scene 1, and around and around we go.


So what is the answer to this self propagating cycle?  


Sally has to stop trying to fix and rescue George.  When she is tempted to intervene she needs to stop herself. Trying to change him is back firing in a big way.  In order for George to change he needs to be allowed to experience the natural consequences of his behavior and to take responsibility for making his own changes.  When that happens the cycle is broken.  When we learn to accept others as they are we free them to to grow and make change.  For some reason this is one of the most difficult lessons in life to learn.




]]>